For those of you who have the patience to read. The remainder of F.U.3, in script form.
To watch the finished parts go here and here.

F.U.3: A Grey Matter
(part 3)

Scene 1: Switzerland

General Namreg: Unidentified vessel approaching our sector.

Rainier: Is it General Duty?

General Namreg: No, except for the two choppers we shot down, he only has ground forces. This craft is moving very slowly and seems to be vibrating to the tune of a jazzy beat.

(Cuts to Michael and crew rocking out at open mic)

Rainier: Hmm, Something about this doesn't set right with me. Fire at will!

General Namreg: Yes, commander.
Scene 2: Swiss President's Office
Assistant: Sir! We've just gotten word that an attack is taking place on Swiss soil.

Swiss President: I don't think I think I have an opinion on this. Why would someone want to attack us? We have all the makings of a peaceful society. We have the hand of peace. It reaches out to the heavens and declares that we don't take sides. Unless it is the side of peace.

Assistant: Shouldn't we do something though?

Swiss President: Let's wait and see how this plays out. We'll choose not to take sides then.

Assistant: How very neutral of you.

Scene 3: Army Convoy

(D Stares at a map)

Sergeant: General, up ahead there is a firefight going on between a mountain and some sort of flying barn.

D: (Looks ahead and recognizes the Book N Bean) Set course for the mountain. That's our primary target.

(At BNB Luke controls BnB's steering)

Michael: That's some fancy flying.

Luke: Learned it from Ace Combat... That's all you need to know.

Mike: Is there anything video games can't teach us.

(The Book N Bean continues to dodge enemy fire until it is struck and crash lands in the Alps.)

D: Follow the smoke. I feel that these may be allies in our quest for domination.

Scene 4: Crash Site

Michael: Well. I guess this is the new site of Book N Bean.

Yeti: (climbs out from behind some rocks) large mocha please.

Laurie: Boy aren't you a frosty one.

Mike: I'm gonna go have a look around. Whatever attacked us came from the opposite mountain range.

Luke: Do you think it was D?

Mike: I think it's what D is after.

Laurie: You boys have fun. These mountain folk are thirsty. (Several yetis are lined up at the counter)

Scene 5: Apartment

(Cassi and Traci sit quiet in the apartment)

Traci: Hmm, I feel there should be a little more mayhem than this.

Cassi: The boys must've left the country or something.

(Pause)

Cassi: Wanna play some video games.

Traci: Hells yeah!

Cassi: Slayer mode in Halo?

Traci: Is there any other kind?

(Knock on the door)

Parila: Fire, the house is on fire. (Traci goes down and opens the door).

Scene 6: House in the Mountains

Luke: Over there's a house

Mike: Wow, what do you think it takes to get a FedEx here?

(The two enter. There is an oriental man smoking a pipe in a dark room).

Luke: Um, ok. Aren't you in the wrong mountain range...on the wrong continent?

Mike: Do you sell Mogwai? I know they turn into gremlins, but they're so cute. I'm willing to risk it.

Luke: What are you anyway?

Pong Ping: I am Pong Ping, a decipherer of fortunes.

Luke: What are you doing in the Alps?

Pong Ping: Snowboarding. X-Games are coming up my man.

Luke: I hear that.

Mike: (Pulls the fortune from his pocket) I have a fortune that you can decipher.

Scene 7: Apartment

(Both agents are lying on the floor, writhing in pain.)

Traci: So tell me, why did you attack us?

Agent Parila: That's just our way of getting inside.

Cassi: You could have just asked. We would've let you in, and offered you lemonade.

Agent Fresca: Lemonade would have been nice.

Traci: So tell me now...Where are our boyfriends?

Scene 8: Secret Lair

General Namreg: The target has been shot down in the mountains. Do we pursue?

Rainier: Yes. I personally would like to go on this recovery mission.

General Namreg: Sir, it's a dangerous mission.

Rainier: I've been in danger before - by the same men. It's high time I extract my revenge. (Leans from the shadows to reveal Rainier with several bionic attachments)
FU: Gone Without a Traci
(Part 4)

Scene 1: Countryside

(A ninja-like character runs through the dark countryside as the narration proceeds)

Swiss President: Because of our neutral status we can't officially declare war on these intruders. What we can do is send you, Agent Knives, our best assassin, to settle matters. Go and wipe our country clean from these pests.

Scene 2: Pong Ping House

Pong Ping: (Looking at Fortune Cookie) Why did you write 'in bed'?

Mike: Wishful thinking. All the best stuff happens in bed.

Pong Ping: It seems that you...will die.

Mike: In bed?

Pong Ping: It's not looking like that. You can't just pencil in your own future.

Mike: How will I know when to die?

Pong Ping: It's not really something you can know...It's just something that...when the time comes, you'll know how to take it.

Mike: Gotcha. Now let's go get me killed.

D: Not on my watch.

Luke: D!

Mike: Wow, do all military types have to use that line? On my watch...you're not even wearing a watch.

Scene 3: Apartment

Agent Parila: So you see, we need you to go into Europe and find Mike and Luke.

Traci: I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Agent Parila: I told you...we're not terrorists. We're FBI agents.

Traci: Fine. But I want $10,000, transferred to a Swiss Bank Account.

Agent Parila: How bout we give you the ten grand and you take it there yourself. That is where you're going you know.

Traci: Is the plane ride free?

Agent Parila: Yes.

Traci: Then you have yourself a deal.

Cassi: Alright, when do we leave?

Agent Parila: You have to stay here.

Cassi: But why?

Agent Parila: It's important that you do nothing. Doing something would raise your chances of something happening.

Cassi: I guess I can't argue with that logic. But I like something happening. Something happening is good. Something is not nothing!

Agent Parila: Too bad. You stay here and answer the phone.

Cassi: I always do nothing.

Scene 4: Alps

Mike: So, um, yeah, we're supposed to kill you. My weapon of choice is kindness.

D: You could do that at home.

Luke: I don't think we're going to kill you. Just know that others will be sent to kill you.

D: That's fine. I stay until my mission is complete.

Luke: And just what is that?

Agent Knives: To ravage our country.

Mike: Who are you?

Agent Knives: I am the protector of this land, and I'll do what it takes to defend it. (points gun at D. Luke points a gun at the Assassin.)

D: This is not your battle. I suggest you step away now.

Rainier: That's right, it's our battle.

Luke: It's the coffee shop guy, from Books N Beans.

Mike: I thought that you were dead.

Rainier: It amazing, the technological advances of evil geniuses. You think mad scientists in the olden days were diabolical, woo, you don't know what you're missing. (Points gun at D and Mike. D points a gun at Rainier and the Assassin.)

D: So how shall we do this?

Rainier: It seems we have a bit of a Mexican Standoff going here.

Mike: Mexico? I thought Mexico would be warmer than this. (points a gun at Luke)

Luke: Dude!

Mike: You talk on the phone too long.

(Standoff continues until Traci enters and punches out the assassin.)

Traci: Hey guys. What you doing out in the cold. (A soldier attacks her. As everyone is distracted, Rainier flees. D follows him, followed by Mike and Luke.)

Scene 5: Apartment

(Cassi picks up the phone and hears the dial tone. Puts the phone back down and sighs.)

FU: Soldier of Fortune Cookie
(Part 5)

Scene 1: Airfield

(D chases Rainier to an airfield with Mike and Luke following behind. Rainier enters a cargo plane and hits a switch to close the cargo door. D throws and knife and hits the switch, lowering the door. D then takes a grappling gun and fires inside the plane, which attaches to a stationary harpoon gun. D clips the gun to his belt and pulls himself inside.

Meanwhile, Mike and Luke climb into a jeep and chase after the plane, which is moving down a runway.)

Mike: Ok, now make the jeep fly.

Luke: What?

Mike: Like you made the Book N Bean fly.

Luke: That wasn't me.

(D sees Mike and Luke in the jeep and fires a harpoon into the grill of the jeep. The rope attached to the harpoon tightens and the jeep goes airborne with the plane.)

Luke: Maybe it was me.

(D turns to see Rainier behind him with sword in hand.)

Rainier: Tell me why you follow me endlessly across the globe.

D: I wish to gain your power - to be a super villain - a champion of the dark arts - A level 33 super villain like you.

Rainier: Indeed, I am a level 33 super villain, but what you don't know is I am an immortal level 33 super villain.

D: Enough!

(Rainier and D swordfight in the cargo hold until D loses his sword. Rainier swings but D jumps out of the way and retrieves his sword. In a brisk swing of the sword, severs Rainier's robotic leg. Rainier falls to the floor and begins to slide out the back when he grabs onto the grapple line D used earlier. Rainier falls out of the plane as D realizes the grappling gun is still attached to his belt.)

D: Ah, shit!

(Mike and Luke still in the jeep with Mike pretending to drive)

Luke: You're a good air driver, I'll have to tell you...Sky pedestrians!

(D and Rainier crash through the jeep's windshield and continue to fight as Luke and Mike make their way up the rope into the plane. D and Rainier continue their sword fight on the jeep, slicing up the vehicle as they fight, until only the front half of the jeep remains. D punches Rainier who loses his balances and falls backwards, grabbing onto the handbrake. D grabs onto the rope and severs it from the jeep, sending it plummeting below.

As Rainier falls, he pushes a button that activates a flying robotic mech which meets and combines with him. He then goes back after the plane.)

(D climbs on board the plane)

Mike: Well hey there, general.

D: He's on his way back. He told me he was immortal.

Luke: We're done for, aren't we?

D: Afraid so...there's no beating an immortal cyborg coffee shop entrepreneur.

Luke: Check-mate.

Mike: (Looks at his fortune cookie) Well boys, it was nice fighting with you, but it's time I face my fortune.

Luke: In bed

(Mike grabs D's sword and dives out of the plane towards Rainier, who is coming from below. He slices completely through the mech and continues to fall).

Luke: No! He didn't pay his part of the rent yet!

D: That was my favorite sword. Poor bastard. Well, I'm craving Asian food for some reason. What say we take this bird to China?

(Mike falls through a roof and lands in a bed. He then rolls over and sucks his thumb.)

Scene 2: Alps

(Traci is in the mountains fighting Rainier's troops until Rainier arrives. Rainier charges Traci with his sword in hand. Traci picks up a shotgun and fires.)
(The Cargo Plane Lands in the background)

FU: Abominable Romance
(Part 5)

Scene 1: Alps
(Traci and Rainier are both battle worn and breathing heavily from fighting each other.)

Rainier: You have fought a good round, but your efforts are without fruit.

D: (appears with Luke) what's the matter? Couldn't handle me so you're taking on the lesser ranks?

Rainier: General Duty, it's good to see you once more. Are your friends aware of what you are fighting for?

Luke: What's this about?

D: Never you mind.

Rainier: Now, now, general, your plans are irreversible now. Our armies are marching to the frontline in the valley as we speak. You may as well let your friends in on the secret.

D: (pause) I...am here to become a super villain.

(Pause)

Luke: Yeah, I kinda figured.

Traci: Where's the surprise in that?

Scene 2: Cabin

Pong Ping: Awaken, young one.

Mike: What is this?

Pong Ping: You have scarified yourself - a truly valiant happening. You have seemingly achieved immortality as a result.

Mike: Seemingly?

Pong Ping: Well, yeah. Immortality doesn't cover being chopped up, beheaded, affixation by pretzel, avian influenza or explosive diarrhea, but you're pretty well covered by everything else. Oh, and also, cholesterol.

Mike: Damn, first thing I wanted to do was eat this entire box of doughnuts.

Pong Ping: Well now you can't. I have revived you for a greater purpose. You must go to war. For you are the only one who can undo the events set into motion on this day.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, can I at least have one doughnut.

Scene 3: Alps

Luke: This doesn't change the fact that Mike gave his life for your cause.

D: It didn't appear that he was doing much with his life as it was, except wasting space and eating our food.

Luke: That doesn't...actually you have a point.

Traci: I kinda liked him.

Rainier: That's enough! If you wish to fight me then we shall do so on the battlefield. (Leaps down the mountain as Agent Knives approaches).

Agent Kinves: (in German) Sie möchten unser Land plündern. Wunsch des Brunnens I nichts aber Sie zerstören. [You wish to pillage our land. Well I wish nothing but to destroy you]

D: (in German) so sei es [So be it]
.
(D draws a new sword while Agent Knives drops all her heavy weapons and takes out a Swiss Army Knife. D laughs until the assassin reveals a lightsaber attachment. The two fight until D and Knives hang from a cliff. They continue until Knives is hanging onto D's boot. D gets out his knife and cuts the laces, causing Agent Knives to fall. D pulls himself up and walks back to Luke and Traci).

Luke: What happened?

D: I gave her the boot.

Scene 4: BNB

(Beaner makes eyes at a yeti. The Yeti approaches him)

Yeti: Hello there, stranger. What be your name?

Beaner: (blushing) my name is Beaner.

Yeti: Hmm. I'm sure that's what your friends call you. What did your mamma name you?

Beaner: She called me Bernard...Bernard Montoya.

Yeti: Well Bernard, I'm Florence.

Beaner: This may sound sudden, but I think you may be the one for me. (starts singing) Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much. And that's all the words I know, because that's all the longer the commercial was that I heard it in.

Florence: Oh Bernard, I love you!

Beaner: And I love you!

Laurie: Gross.

Michael: Indeed, it's bastardization beyond words.

Scene 5: Apartment

(Cassi gets up and picks up the phone to hear the dial tone again. Puts the phone back down and sighs)

Cassi: Ah, screw it! (leaves)

Scene 6: Valley

Soldier: The troops are in place. We attack on your mark, general.

D: I can see Rainier. He sits on the hand of peace. How perverse.

Luke: It's times like these that I'm glad Armageddon is a couple hundred miles southwest of here.

Traci: Yes, but this may just be the dress rehearsal.

D: Charge!

(Mike reaches the top of a ridge and sees the battle start. He takes a deep breath and starts down the mountain.)

FU: Battle for the Bean
(Part 6)

Scene 1: The Battle

(D battles through a trove of enemies as he keeps an eye focused on Rainier. After defeating a number of troops he gets on a walkie-talkie.)

Beaner: (In a closet, making out with the yeti. He stops to answer a call.) Bernard here.

D: What the hell man!

Beaner: Oh, general, sorry. What are my orders?

D: Sweep the valley at approximately 1300 hours.

(Mike, who is fighting in the crowd, overhears the conversation on the intercom of a fallen soldier)

Beaner: Yes sir! (hangs up) Well baby, I've gotta run. Duty calls.

Florence: Goodbye my love, until we meet again.

(Beaner takes off his top hat and puts on an army helmet and walks into the BNB basement where he activates a control console and gets into the pilot seat. The BNB takes flight, shedding it's propellers for jet engines. As they fly off, Michael goes to the door and turns the sign to 'closed.')

(The battle rages on. Mike fights at one end of the battle as Luke and Traci fight at another end. Soon Cassi joins them with a gatling gun in each hand)

Cassi: This is about as good as slayer mode.

Traci: Eh, the blood is more realistic in the game.

Luke: I prefer capture the flag myself

Mike: (appears) So do I.

Traci: You're alive!

Luke: At the turning of the tide, no less.

Mike: You all might want to get to higher ground. The valley is about to turn into an inferno.

Luke: What about you?

Mike: I'm going to capture the flag.

Beaner: (Flying the Bean) Man, if only I had the royalties to 'The Ride of the Valkyries' oh well, I guess I'll wing it (hums The Ride of the Valkyries as he fires on enemy troops).

Scene 2: The Hand of Peace

D: The hand of peace, what a place to end the war of wars.

Rainier: Agreed. If I had an ounce of showmanship left in me I'd say something clichéd like that, too.

(Rainier and D fight until Mike enters)

Mike: Stop! No good can come of this.

Rainier: This is true, when both sides are fighting for evil.

Mike: What? You didn't tell me this was an evil cause.

D: It isn't. That is if you'd rather I be the level 33 super villain instead of him.

Mike: But I scarified myself.

D: And I appreciate it.

Mike. I, is that all you can say! I! There's no I in villain.

D: Yes there is.

Mike: You've just pushed me over the edge.

(Mike swings back his sword to strike D but hits Rainier in an electronic panel on his chest. It causes Rainier's suit to overload and explode. Pieces of Rainier fall over the battlefield).

D: Hmm, I guess that means you're the super villain now.

Mike: Arggh!

(Mike and D fight as Beaner drops Napalm on the valley, which burns around the hand of peace. Mike and D cut away the hand's thumb and pointer finger as they fight).

Cassi: (Looking at the destruction from a mountainside) Madness.

Luke: It's up to him now.

Traci: Up to who?

Luke: I guess we do like both of them. Anyone want to take bets?

All: D.

(D misses Mike and strikes the pinky finger, causing the sword to get stuck in the stone. Mike strikes his sword over D's, further imbedding the sword in the stone. The finger eventually falls away and D with it. The fire clears and Mike stands on the hand by himself. After a few seconds, the ring finger falls off the statue, leaving only the middle finger.)

Scene 4: Book N Bean
(BnB is returning home. Everyone seems depressed. One person begins to sing and is punched in the face by Traci.)

Luke: It's a shame to see D taken to the stockade.

Mike: He did perpetrate World War III. I hope he's not mad at me.

Traci: You're an idiot if you think he won't be.

Mike: Hey, you want a doughnut?

Luke: All's well that ends...I guess it didn't end all that well.

Traci: It ended, that's all that matters.

Mike: (With his mouth full of doughnuts) finally an end to all the violence.

Beaner: (Piloting the Book N Bean when he gets a call) Hello?

D: I'm in a secret prison off the coast of Newfoundland. I seem to be in a basement cell. I think the bulkheads can be breached with the air to surface missiles. See what you can do with it.

Beaner: Yes sir!

(The BNB flies into the sunset and fades out. D peers through his Plexiglas cell surrounded by endless blackness with a devious smile on his face.)

Now you know why this will never be completed.